Being the Working mom...

I ABSOLUTLEY LOVE being a mother. Sure, it comes with so many demands and I've overheard motherhood described as "burden of being a parent." I can not imagine it being a burden in any way. Sure, it's full of responsibility but that's a responsibility I've longed for and now am blessed to have, but burden no!

One thing that has been so hard for me, has been to be a working mother. It's always been my life dream to be a stay at home mother and wife. The passion I once had for work has been overshadowed by a deep passion and love for being a mother. I want to be able to stay with my little girl every day and spend time teaching her and learning from her. I know that missing her is part of what makes being her mother non burdensome, but I would love to spend each waking and sleeping hour with her.

NEVER have I experienced the emotions I've experienced being a mother. They are near indescribable! It's as though my heart had been missing something for years. Yes I have God, and love for Justin and family and friends, but being a mother... makes my heart feel so complete! I know it's a gift from God. It is incredibly overwhelming sometimes the pure joy I have and the breaths that are stolen from simply watching Brentley. My eyes well with pride, joy, and contentment. That's what it is... the contentment.. that is what "completes" my heart.

In desperate need of motivation, organization and self discipline!

So I woke up feeling a little blue this morning. I've realized I have "so MUCH to do" and little motivation to do it. Being a new mommy is such a blessing but exhausting too. I was never a great house keeper and now I'm even worse! Things have started to literally pile up around me and I feel like I am in over my head! I'm sure it's just because I am so exhausted and sleep deprived that my list of "to do's" seems impossible, overwhelming and daunting.
I've made personal decisions to try to live cleaner, get more scheduled, become more organized in my personal life and practice self discipline with my nutrional choices. Well, part of me wants to say "That's for the birds!" Living by a list of "I shoulds" only stresses me out and makes me want to give up! BUT such a huge part of me wants all of this to work too! How do I do it?? I know Brentley would and could benefit from a more strict schedule, but how do I change the "fly by the seat of my pants" part of my personality to one of more discipline? It goes against everything that I've ever been. I've always liked the unpredictableness that I am. But it seems to make my life less caotic I need some organization. I know, I know, I need to start one day at a time and just get what can be done in one day completed, but I've got a bit of a lazy streak in me too when it comes to organizing my personal life. I'm not sure if it comes from knowing there is so much I want organized and accomplished or if it is purely laziness on my part. I can say ,honestly, it's probably a little of both. I like my days of "rest" and feel so much lately that I haven't had that, so when they come along I spend the day doing NOTHING. Then of course Monday comes and I'm like "why didn't I do things around the house, get something small done?!"
So to say the least I have some need for motivation! I'm working on self talk and encouragement to get this "list of shoulds" done. I'll let you know how it goes.
So my goals for the next few days?
~ Make a concious effort to ENJOY each day and the challenges it brings, otherwise life just wizzes by in miserable mode and what's the fun in that?
~ Make healthier eating habit choices- I tried starting South Beach but that takes lots of preparation so instead I will just make wiser choices each meal for now. Then as I get more organized move toward South Beach.
~CLEAN and ORGANIZE one room of the house each evening
~Finish the taxes
~Get the Thank you cards that are written sent out!!
~ Get Brentley back on a sleep/feeding schedule! I think if she would just sleep the night through everything wouldn't seem so daunting!

Okay, so those are too great of goals are they? I have to allow myself to know I CAN NOT be perfect, but I can sure do my best at reaching those goals! Okay so, seriously, now that I've completed my own treatment plan, I will re-evaluate in a few days/weeks and see what I've been able to accomplish.

1st blog and parenthood

Well, I have blogged once or twice before, but there's something about "spilling my guts" to the internet world of strangers that seems a little daunting to me, yet some what intriguing. I like writing and like to use words in places where they usually don't belong. I'm pretty random in my thought patterns and tend to ramble on about things most people don't care about, or at least pretend to care about. Side note: It's also quite daunting because there are several audiences that read blogs be it Sunday School friends, Church friends, relatives, co-workers, strangers and (hopefully no clients) with such there comes a sense of "editing" my thoughts. Though It doesn't have to be a journal per-say- it often feels as such with most blogs I've read and when I write, often it's an organization of my thoughts.

So if you are simply pretending to care or really do care read.

The last weeks in life have been pretty eventful and in many ways unrestful. I've had to take Brentley to the hospital in the event she was oxygen deprived. It was quite scary- seeing my 3 month old daughter gasping for air and having an anxious panic look on her face. I felt helpless.

They admitted her to place her on oxygen and breathing treatments. It was discouraging to say the least. She progressed in health quickly though and we were able to take her off oxygen- see how she did and then because she stabilized, we were able to take her home again the following evening. I had about one hour of sleep the whole time. It doesn't help that I've had nightmares about finding her in her crib dead. I'm rebuking that! I'm anxiously attached to the sweet baby. I still have her in our room and making moves to try to move her into her crib, but it's really hard for me. Dr. says she needs her own space... I'm sure she does, I''m sure I do, but, I think that she will be in her own room in her own time and when (probably more realistically) I and Justin are ready. Anyway, I'm thankful and praising God for her recovery and for the much needed rest I WAS able to get. Parenthood is already such an adventure. I love it, but with it comes a host of emotions I don't think anyone could have prepared me for! Well, rest is begging me to indulge and I must give in to it's plea.